Somedays I pretend to be a writer...

"What things there are to write, if one could only write them! My mind is full of gleaming thought; gay moods and mysterious, moth-like meditations hover in my imagination, fanning their painted wings. But always the rarest, those streaked with azure and the deepest crimson, flutter away beyond my reach." -Logan Pearsall Smith

I want to write. I need to write. Obviously, I can write because that seems to be what I'm doing right now. What I mean is I want to write a story or poem; actually, I want to write anything that isn't me rambling on and on. I want to write something brilliant and provoking. Right now my brilliance is having a hard time shining brighter than a night-light.

Life hasn't gotten any better. The shit-storm that is my life just keeps dumping on me. Which is ok... I mean everyone goes through crappy times. It makes us stronger, better, and other bullshit things we tell ourselves to make it more bearable.

But, what really has made life more bearable for me in the past is writing. Ex dumps you? Write heartbreaking stories, exaggerate everything you feel. Pissed at someone? Kill them off in a story and make it bloody. Worried about someone? They can become the hero and their problems are fixed.

This time I'm staring at my word processor till my eyes want to bleed. I have plenty of story material. Morpheus, the nightmares, and the mean reds have given me plenty of fodder. I know what the story should feel like. I know where I want it to go. I just can't grab onto the words and take it there.

Until next time, frustration is the word of the day.
autumn

I wonder if someone could sleep through a whole month...

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Before I actually get into my original post I just wanted to let everyone know that my mother is no longer in remission. I just found out today so I'm really not sure what's going on yet. But I'll update you as we figure it out. Now on to my actual post.

November hates me. I mean really, really hates me. I'm not sure what I did to piss it off, but the last few years it sneaks up on me and kicks me in the teeth. True story... well minus the kicking me in the teeth part.

This year... The Guy dumped me. It came out of nowhere. To be perfectly honest, I'm not dealing so well. Or at least I'm not dealing as well as I normally do in a breakup situation. I mean it's only been a week and a half, so I'm probably not being fair to myself. But I feel like I've done nothing but work and cry. I'm not sleeping more than 3 hours a night, and I'm lucky if I'm getting that much sleep. I think a lot of the lack of sleeping is because he use to call me every night before we went to sleep and we would talk for at least two hours and take turns reading aloud to each other. Or because we were in the same bed... It's just one of the many habits that I got into and have to figure out how to break wanting that.

After the first couple days when I talked to anyone I started to act pissed off at the guy or just avoid the subject and pretend it never happened. But, I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be pissed off or just over it already. I can't be pissed because he wasn't happy... I could be pissed that he dropped my things off in a box and had the sweater I knitted for him laying on top of all of it. Even that doesn't piss me off. It just hurts.

But I didn't write this entry to cry to complete strangers. I actually wrote this as a thanks to my friends. I really am lucky when it comes to my best friends. Bella, who understood that I needed to cancel our meeting. Then when we rescheduled let me talk the whole what happened out and swiftly moved into a distraction. Shameless, who listened to me make no sense while I was crying; who promised that it would eventually be ok. Ethan gave me space long enough to get my front up so that I could do more than sob into the phone. He reminded me that I was welcome to come visit him and Shameless so I could have a couple days away. Finally there is Crimson. Not diminishing what the others have done for me but she's been a godsend. On the night that I felt totally, completely alone and worthless she reminded me that I matter to people. That they are thankful I'm in their life one way or another. She hasn't pushed with questions nor does she try to change the subject when my brain does wind back around to him. She has left me at least one message a day or stayed up with me on messenger talking until 3am. She is helping keep the loneliness away. Well as much as someone 1500 miles away can.

So yea... It's not rainbows and moonbeams. I am so not awesome. This situation sucks. I miss Matthew so very much. He made me happy and I love him. I don't know what I'll do with out him around. But I'll eventually figure it out. It can't hurt forever... In the meantime, I have awesome friends who care about me. Friends that should know how much they matter to me.

Until next time...
autumn

Can you have a second burning beginning?

"To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing." ~Eva Young


So apparently I needed more than a little break. Because, as you can see it's been 11 months since I last posted. I could make excuses, beg for your forgiveness, but wouldn't it be better for us all if I just acknowledge that I became a slacker and screwed up? Then we could just get back into the writing.

Writing hasn't been much on my mind lately. And, to tell the truth I don't know when I would have started a new entry if it wasn't for the comment I received today. So thanks, Mrs. B for leave an comment on an old post and thus reminding me I need to get my butt in gear.

Speaking of Mrs. B... She is doing her 31 days of Halloween give aways again this year. It's a lot of fun and you should go play along.



Meanwhile let's catch up. This past year has been a whirl-wind. The majority of the year I've been more content and happy than I have been in a long while. The lions share of that goes to a terrific person who made me see the value in myself. I could wax poetic and go on and on about how he changed everything. But really... you don't want to hear me talk about The Guy when I have shiny new love in my eyes.

I still meet with Bella as often as possible. She's found her footing and she's determined. What more could you want from a student. And you know, she excels at things I struggle with (and I think vice versa) so this has really developed into a joint study group. Which is what we wanted all along.

I've been experimenting with my knitting too. I'm trying to come up with pagan designs Such as a triple moon, pentacle, some celtic knotwork, element symbols. And put them on something useful. Granted the goal there is to put my work in an etsy shop. But that said, I'll post pictures here and if you want the pattern you can have it. Just so long as you don't sell it or the work you make from it.

Hmmm... well I suppose that was the briefest possible overview of my life at the moment. I hope to start a writing schedule and stick to it. So let's cross our fingers, knock on wood, or even spin around three times fast.

Until next time, sure it was rocky but we'll just consider this my first post.
autumn

Break time...

"Don't let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries."- Astrid Alauda


I know things are sucking for a lot of people lately. Stress is running rampant. Things are ugly and you feel beyond tired. I understand, and I really feel for you. So that's why I'm giving you permission to take a break.

No, seriously. Just put everything down and walk a way for a bit. Take any kind of break you need; be it mental, emotional, social, or physical. Sadly, the cause of your stress isn't going to magically go away. (I'm not that talented.) But, despite your fears it isn't going to get worse either unless you ignore it for an extended period of time.

What are you waiting on? Oh, maybe you don't know how to de-stress. I don't know what exactly will work for you, but I'll share some of my stress busters.

Music is probably my most used one. I'll put on a specific playlist and sing till my throat hurts. I focus solely on the music and lyrics. Everything else slides away and I relax.

Watching a movie or reading a book is also a good way to relax. I do think that it should be something you haven't seen or read before. Because, if you have the stress will creep back in during a boring part.

Sex is often another recommended way to deal with stress. Let's face it sometimes that just isn't feasible. I also don't think it's a good idea to find a fuck buddy when you are stressed. I mean come on, everyone knows that is for extreme cases of boredom or drunkenness*. But, hell if you have access, ya might as well take advantage of it.

Finally, my second best way to deal with stress is to meditate and go to your happy place. Everyone should have a happy place, and they should make it super fucking slamming.


Until next time, "Oh but it's okay to breathe your worries away when everything and everyone tries to lead you astray. Hold your own, hold your ground, hold to light when you're down and always believe that there's a way back home."**

autumn



*- Please note, Autumn does not condone casual sex in the cases of boredom or drunkenness. After all her father reads this blog.

**- The until next time is lyrics from Hold by Axium.

Really?

"Music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life."- Ludwig van Beethoven


So I can align chakras. I can manipulate energy. I can call elements... I can not for the life of me tune this damned guitar. I know, I know... The strings are new and apparently new strings stretch rapidly. (It so would have been nice to know that before.) I've only had it for a few hours and it takes time to learn these things.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm a desperately impatient person?

I thought that after these few hours I would be bitching that my fingers hurt and that the F chord could eat my ass. (That's just an example. I'm not sure yet if the F chord will become my nemesis. Although I am sure at least one will.)

Have I ever mentioned that I really love bitching?

Heh, don't worry though. I am about to go teach this guitar that I'm the boss around here and that it will do what I say.

Until next time, no it's still to sharp damnit.
autumn

Days like today... may just be perfect.

"While we try to teach our children all about life, Our children teach us what life is all about."- Angela Schwindt


I spent the day with Little Bit. For those of you who aren't mind readers, Little Bit is my niece. Little Bit is two years old. She is growing up so fast and it's amazing to watch. We spent the day playing with Barbies, dancing to the Wiggles, and well I'm not sure what the other games were that she invented. But, it was a blast.

I love watching her learn new things. She is fascinated with music and drawing. She is determined to figure everything out and learn to do it herself. I have to say my brother has done a great job so far. She has even learned that I well placed pout and an "I sowwy" can get you out of any trouble you encounter. Such as pulling out every wash cloth in the closet and taking them to your room. Granted she had an undeniable reason for doing so. "Barbie Blanket".

She has me there. Barbies do indeed need blankets. They would be cold otherwise.

Until next time, or however long it takes me to knit Barbie blankets.
autumn

I am me.

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.- Sylvia Plath


I thought it might be nice to get to know each other. I want to hear about things you've learned, who you are, and even what you aren't. Since I imagine you are shy, I will start.


I've learned that a glass of tea plus a keyboard equals death and destruction.

I try to see beauty in everything. At least, that's what I use to tell my parents when they asked why I hadn't finished cleaning my room.

When I was little I wanted to be a fashion designer. Yes, Ms. What-do-you-mean-my-closet-is-lacking-color-Gray-and-Black-are-totally-colors wanted to design things for other people to wear.

I have more hobbies ::coughobsessionscough:: than Bella has shoes.

I enjoy all things spooky and scary except bats...

I've learned that one of my best friends wants me to get a pet bat. Which obviously means that he wants me to get rabies and die.

Nothing is funnier than seeing an owl divebomb the aforementioned best friend's head, and hearing him scream like a little bitch.

I have learned that slamming off the water faucet is not a great defense against an unknown skeery thing. (That was just for you Ethan.)

Obviously, my friends and I spend way to much time trying to freak the other out.

I am convinced that my dentist is a government paid torturer by night. In my mind that is the only reason for the insane amounts of pain that he causes me.

I dislike birthdays immensely and think that if they have to be acknowledged at all they should be refered to as Escape from the Womb Day.

The phrase “the best thing ever.” is the best thing ever with “blank rocks my face off” as a close second.

I am addicted to myspace surveys.

Finally, I never get to bed at a reasonable time. As I am typing this, I realize that I should have been asleep hours ago.


So, that's part of me. We may make this a running blog and pick it up from time to time. That's something to think about at any rate.

Until next time, here I come sleep.
autumn

grrrr

This is your blog. My keyboard died and I am blogging by phone. Fucking keyboard. I mean really… emailing myself from the phone and then copy and pasting sucks major ass. grrrr. Oh and this means I am stuck on windows till I replace this bullshit. emailing log-in info and passwords suck more. Fuck.

autumn

We don't say it enough...

"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude."- Cynthia Ozick


This is a note to say thank you. Thank you for helping those who can not help themselves. Thank you for defending what we all hold dear. Thanks you for sacrificing in ways that we can not imagine. Thank you for your patience with those who just don't get it.


"Unselfish and noble actions are the most radiant pages in the biography of souls."- David Thomas



Until next time, Happy Veterans Day.
autumn

I don't think it's cheating...

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."- Albert Schweitzer


So, is it cheating to write a blog about not having a blog to write? Because, guess what? That is totally what you are reading. I mean, it's words... In my mind that totally counts.


Actually, I had a migraine and was avoiding the evil white glare of my word processor. After many Excedrin, dark corners, and begging anyone who looked at me to cut off my head it slowly started fading away. Granted by that time, Shameless had come over to hang out. Which was followed by me going to see Ethan. Let's face it, since Ethan rarely comes into town I wasn't going to blow him off to write.


You get this. Which hey, at least I posted. Right?


Actually if you need something new and exciting... I did a booty dance over a peanut butter and jelly sandwich tonight. I haven't done that since I was in middle school. To be fair the middle school me wasn't really dancing over pb & j. It was more of a yay-I-didn't-get-grocery-store-chicken-salad-which-is-really-more-vomit-in-a-cup-salad dance.


I've decided tonight's impromptu dance means that I'm enjoying the simple things in life more. Or, that I was really hungry. Ya know, whichever.


Until next time, dance away.
autumn