Sometimes you ramble.

“Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living.” -Tom O'Connor

So, I just spent another night at the hospital with my grandmother. Her health is steadily declining and I see a lot of visits there in my future. Though, I guess it's just a part of life both for her and the family.

Hospitals always make me pensive. There is little to do in the ICU waiting room besides think. I tend to think about where my life is going, and what it would be like if I was the one in the room essentially a mechanically assisted breath away from death. So I thought, I'd write it all down and share with you.

I don't see myself having the large family like Granny does. I don't think children are in my future nor do I even see a local group of people surrounding me. I always picture myself completely and totally alone. No kids, no loved ones... just me. But who knows, I can't even picture what my tomorrow will be like.

I have been in the process of forcing change. Small things right now. Well... I say small things but they're actually huge for me.

I'm no longer self-medicating, so I'm dealing with everything that comes with being a recovering addict. Some of the things I expected. I fully expected the judgement from both sides of the coin. Those who find out how bad I had gotten and judge me for that. Those who use still and knew clearly how much I was in, and that judge me for not being able to control my life and still take. Some things I didn't expect at all, it never occurred to me that people would accuse me of using again when I worked so damn hard to stop. I never expected the temptations or triggers to last this long. I didn't expect the physical toll it took on me.

I'm learning how to deal with my depression again. I'm realizing how much the drug addiction actually masked the symptoms of depression. So something I thought I had a handle on came back and bit me hard. To other people it looks like I'm getting worse. I'm not really. My downs are just a little deeper than they were when I was fucked up out of my head. Since I feel like I'm deeper in the hole it takes me a bit longer to climb out. It definitely doesn't help when I feel like I'm disappointing everyone when I do hit the down days. At the same time... the downs don't happen nearly as often as they use to. Still... it's frustrating. (I'll save the rant about how hard it is to actually get help that you need for depression and how fucking much the medication costs when you don't have insurance that covers it.)

While those two things definitely fall under the category of being healthier I'm working on the general health. I'm working out at home, walking the neighborhood often, and dieting. Since I've started I've gone from a size 32 down to a 26. That's definitely progress. Sometimes, I almost like that progress when I look at myself. Mostly, I see it as not changed at all. I did something the other night that I never do. I took a picture. The full body shot; head to toe. And, I sent it to two people. I don't think they'll ever understand what a battle that was for me. I mean I could explain it to one of them and she might come extremely close to understanding but not quite. It made me feel horrible. Neither of them said anything bad. They wouldn't at all. But, I keep going back and looking at those pictures and seeing how bad they look. I want to take it back. I want to erase the image from their mind. Because that's not me. I mean it clearly is me... but it's the work in progress. It's not how I feel when I think of myself. It's not what I want to be. It's just something that I'm stuck with till the next visible change happens. It just... like I said something I want to take back. Of course, it doesn't help when one is someone I like, because I feel that kills any possible chance of them returning interest. Granted, when the other is one of my best friends I don't want that to change their view of me either; even when I logically know it won't.

Clearly, something I need to work on is my view of myself. I need to figure out where my worth actually lies. I need to set bigger goals; to decide what I want from the rest of my life. Of course, like everyone else I want to be loved and love in return. I also want to be happy. I want to feel like I'm not disappointing everyone constantly (because I think I do), and to figure out what I actually excel at. I guess most of all I want to say “I'm fine.” or “I mean, I'm good with however it turns out.” and really mean it. But, that's not enough. I need to figure out the long term wants and needs.

I suppose progress is good though. Even when it doesn't feel like it.

Until next time, maybe I'll like myself a little more.

Autumn

Sometimes you get to geek out.

“Luckily, growing up "unfinished" can make geeks the very best people to guide and nurture the next generation of outsiders: We know you don't have to be finished to be awesome.” -Stephen H. Segal, Geek Wisdom: The Sacred Teachings of Nerd Culture

There is little more satisfying than running into one of your own kind in the real world. And, despite claims otherwise, it's something we all know about. Everyone has, at least, one thing they seriously geek out over. I have lots. I'm in a lot of ways the stereotypical geek. Both the positives and the negatives. Still, I love being a geek. And, I love running into other geeks.

There is one geek that Bella and I run into on a regular basis. She works at the bookstore. Not shockingly, we end up there a lot. She's always bright and bubbly. And while, we never chat long (after all she is working) we always end up talking about something huge that just happened in whatever. Sometimes it's comics or Doctor Who.

Speaking of comics... Despite the “By Lex Luthor's bald head... a woman in a comic shop” stereotype, our local shop is really fantastic. I'm really just starting to delve in there and haven't spent a lot of time there. But the owner, and the people working there are amazing. Even if we always miss Hawkeye releases. Which I completely and totally blame Bella for ::coughs::

Even the geek encounters that.. well... leave you a little... umm how do I put this. Ok so, once again Bella and I were out yesterday. We did our patriotic duty and voted, so we rewarded ourselves and soothed our fears over the election with sushi. Because, that is what people do. The best place to get sushi in our town is this asian buffet. I'm there doing my thing when I see the most awesome shirt. Legend of Zelda. Wooo. This is one of the things that I majorly geek out over lately. So I had to say something. I tell the guy I like his shirt and planned to leave it at that. His friend, however was a huge LoZ geek. As I quickly found out. What I thought was a one comment and done, turned into a much longer conversation.

I'm clearly a bit socially awkward. So I never want to say, “Yeah we're in peoples way. Let's move and you can keep talking.” or “This is a fantastic chat, but I have someone waiting on me.” Yeah... I felt incredibly awkward and just kept trying to... I dunno what I was trying to do actually. Still. Even the geek conversations you don't mean to have or even want to end a bit quicker for whatever reason are amazing. Because, while I can find so many Legend of Zelda geeks online, I don't have anyone in my life that truly appreciates the game series. So yes, running into your own kind is always awesome.

Until next time, I'm just gonna go play some SNES.

Autumn

Sometimes you just watch the red and the blue.

I really hope you voted. You did, right? Good. I knew you wouldn't let me down. Now we wait.

Yup this is my blog. I had stories to tell you. But honestly, I can't stop refreshing twitter, watching CNN, and twitching. Colorado, Virginia, Ohio, and Florida are going to give me heart murmurs. So those stories will have to wait till tomorrow.

You can call it cheating if you want but honestly I can't tear myself away. I care more about the actual presidential election so in all of that mess I'm trying to pay attention to the Senate and the House. As well as some of the Props in other states.

I'm hopeful on some and discouraged with others. But, isn't that the way it usually goes? No matter what happens... I have to hope that the population as a whole knows what they are doing. Does this election scare me some? Hell yes it does. Still, I've done all that I can.

Now let's all just watch the states turn colors. Hopefully, quickly so that I can sleep.

Until next time, I'll have stories- promise.
Autumn

Sometimes I get political... sort of.

“A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.” -Bill Vaughan

Ok so it's time to talk about the election. Hey! Wait! Come back! I promise I'm not trying to sell you on “my” candidate. I'm not even giving you a guilt trip to vote. Well I'm encouraging you to vote... but no guilt trip. Honest.

I'm one of those people who feel that it's important to vote in every single election; local and national. Also I vote in the primaries. Because, you see this is not a one man government. I feel, that if I'm only voting for the President, I would be wasting my time. The President can only do so much if he is constantly butting heads with his House and Senate. If I don't vote for my state government then I essentially have no say in our state laws. But, I digress. The point is I'm a big fan of voting. I wish more people were.

I've noticed that there are more first time voters this year. And, not just those newly of age who are clutching their voter card to their chest. It makes me happy. It also makes me think back to my first time voting and things that I wish I had known. So, here I am to give you some tips. Some of this I'm sure you already know, but bear with me. I'd like to share them just in case.

First things first, let's talk about what you need to vote. Know where you need to vote. You HAVE to vote at your designated voting location. Just save yourself the hassle and make sure you're in the right place. Some states require that you bring a valid photo ID. In my state a student ID doesn't count. If you need a ride to your polling center call your local Democratic and Republican Resource Centers. They often help with driving you and most won't care about your party affiliation. Also, at the end of this entry, I will share some links with you where you can find your polling place and state laws for what you need to bring.

Next thing you should know is sometimes the lines will be long. You may have to wait. Try to be patient. Remember that the people working at the polling locations are mostly volunteers. Respect them. I always bring along a book to read in the lines. I do this for a couple reasons. It keeps me patient and, it deters people from asking me who I'm voting for and from them trying to change my mind.

This should go without saying but know who and what you're voting for. If you know everything that's on the ballot before you vote you won't have to worry about making an uneducated decision. It will help the lines move smoothly and decrease the wait for everyone.

At the same time, don't feel rushed. There have already been problems in early voting across the US. If you have a problem notify someone. If you are harrassed at the polls, speak up. Let the workers know of any issues that you are having. If it's a machine issue make sure your vote is counted properly. Then share your problems online so others are aware of them.

As I said before, I have some links to share with you.

http://www.866ourvote.org/ Is a fantastic website. It is not affiliated with any party, so you don't have to worry about biased information. Here you can find your state voting laws, links to find your voting location, share voter problems, and a variety of other things.

http://www.havingtroublevoting.com/ is a map where you can share your voting problems and see others. It's very easy to use and navigate.

http://votesmart.org/ With this site you can put in your location and find information about the candidates running

Finally for Hurricane Sandy's victims.

http://www.nydailynews.com/blogs/dailypolitics/2012/11/cuomo-signs-order-allowing-hurricane-victims-to-vote-anywhere

http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/local//item/46535-sandy-aftermath-help-report-voting-problems-in-new-jersey/

I hope that you all find this information useful. I hope that you vote. The selfish part of me of course hopes that you vote the same way I do... but so long as you vote, I'm happy.

Until next time, see that wasn't so bad.

Autumn

Sometimes you end up surrounded by zombies.

“Ah me! Love can not be cured by herbs.” -Ovid

Love... that thing that keeps writers in business; the poet's best friend. It's the musicians muse. For a lot of people, it keeps them hopeful and able to handle whatever life throws at them. But, for me... Love is a zombie virus.

Seriously, it's a freaking zombie virus. One by one those around you become infected. They have one thing on their mind. Love. They either talk about it, or they want you to join them in this huge mess. All you can do is watch it happen. Once they're infected, you can't help them. The more that succumb to the virus the higher your chance of becoming one of them. One way or another, you are screwed.

Can you tell that love scares the crap out of me? To be clear, I'm not an anti-love person. I see those friends in love or moving very close to love, and I'm so happy for them. It makes them happy. In some ways it actually makes them better people. But I'm actually terrified of myself falling in love.

I know some it is a lack of control. Some of it is the fear of rejection, and some of it is the fear of what happens when it ends again. Yes, I do realize all of that is ridiculous. Apparently, love is worth it. And, maybe it won't end the next time around. None of that matters to me though.

When I think about myself in love, I don't think of the mushy crap. I don't even think about the loss of control. All I think about is the bottom falling out, and then; how much I loved Matthew when he sat me down and told me he wasn't happy and there was nothing I could do to make him that way. It blind-sided me. I thought everything was golden. Granted, in the end it was for the best. We are much, much better apart than we ever would have been together. Still... that pain is the first place my mind goes to when I think about love.

I've been thinking about love a lot lately. It's hard to avoid when it's all around you. It's even harder to avoid when you are starting to think about how much you actually like someone. I think it's official. I've been bitten by one of my zombie virus friends. I'm developing symptoms. Now, do I try to find a cure or do I give in and ride it out?

Until next time, yup I'm screwed.

Autumn

Sometimes... Oh screw the sometimes. Insomnia is never needed or wanted.

“Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking.” -Clifton Fadiman

Up until recently there have been 2 stages in my life regarding sleep. In my teens, I was a champion sleeper. If there were a competition I would have been the most decorated competitor. Sleep for 24 solid hours? Sure sign me up. Who needed to deal with the outside world? Didn't matter when or where I fell asleep. I had that shit down. I was a heavy sleeper. My room could have been in the middle of a tornado and I wouldn't have stirred. Moreover, it worked for me. The dreams bred some of my best story ideas. When I wasn't sleeping, I was incredibly productive.

In the 20s, I moved into the not sleeping for days zone. I just didn't need sleep. 3 day party and at friends house? I was down for it. I also wasn't the least bit affected by lack of sleep. Sure, I may have gotten the giggles a lot. Or, if it was last stretch I was slow with my wit. But overall, I just was perfectly fine without it. When I did sleep, I became the lightest sleeper. The wind blowing outside my window would wake me. Still, where I didn't need the sleep, I was still incredibly productive. It saved me so many times when I was running late on knitting gifts.

Now, it's shifted again. I've become a bastard mix of the two. Which you would think would be a good thing. Not so much. I've seemed to pick the worst traits of both.

I've become a heavy sleeper again. It's not really something I enjoy anymore. Sometimes it's nice to hear your apartment manager knocking on your door when you have an inspection. Because, you know, old ex-marine walking in your bedroom to check the smoke alarm while you are … well let's just say I don't do pjs that much anymore. Just a tank and incredibly short shorts... I think that is the definition of awkward. Especially when it's 1pm. We won't even get into the maintenance man (who I made the mistake of asking out for a drink at one point). Beyond that, I sleep through text messages and half of my phone calls. Some of which, I really should respond to immediately.

On the flip side, I've stuck with the ability to stay awake for days. Except... my body, brain, and emotions can't handle it anymore. I need the sleep now to function. Gone are the days of productivity with no sleep. I just can't do it. I'm so exhausted during my no sleep cycle that I end up staring blankly. It is a herculean task to write. The knitting, even during a simple pattern, is impossible. So I spend days and days at a time doing absolutely nothing.

Currently, I'm edging towards Day 4 with no sleep. I managed to sleep an hour one night and then a half hour last night. So I'm not completely and totally without sleep this time. I'm slightly grateful for them. Except it's just made the tiredness worse. I've tried all the tips and tricks. No caffeine hours before bed, my bedroom is purely for sleeping, and I've meditated. I've tried sleeping in complete silence, music, and soundscapes. Exercising, warm baths, cold baths, offering anything to any god that will listen. The only thing I haven't tried is warm milk. You nasty people can keep your tainted milk. I'll deal with the sleep hysteria if that's my only option.

I actually walked to the pharmacy at 7am to buy sleeping pills this morning. Yes, I was that desperate. I'm sure that was a lovely picture to the poor woman working the counter. I know I had wild frizzy hair, dead eyes, and couldn't manage words above a mumble. Ms. Autumn, the picture of mental health. That said, it's 2 hours later; I'm hoping with the walk and the two pills I just downed that I will be able to sleep.

Until next time, AAHHHHH JUST LET ME SLEEP.

Autumn

Sometimes networking is really needed.

I never “networked” through the years. Even though it was clearly the thing to do. I kept a small group of friends and never really expanded into the land of acquaintances. I think that's biting me in the ass now.

It never occurred to me that I might need people other than my small group. In my late teens and early twenties, I was incredibly co-dependent. There was a person in my life that warped my mind to the point that I couldn't even make the simplest decision without his approval. Once I got out of that situation I repaired what friendships I could and decided at that point they would be all I needed. I became fiercely independent. I didn't want any help with my life. If I was given advice, I would smile, nod, and throw it out the window.

I suppose I'm still like that a bit. I'm learning to listen to advice. Though much to the chagrin of the advice givers, I ask way too many questions with it. I want to know the hows and whys they think that will help me. I tear the advice into pieces, examine, and over-analyze it. Even though the advice is well meant and could help me, I feel like I have to have control over it still. I realize that it's detrimental to me and I still have to work on it. So maybe that's some sort of progress there.

The point of that little tangent is with all of that I couldn't fathom letting someone who basically a stranger into my life. I felt that I didn't need their opinions and I certainly didn't want them. Now, while I'm still independent... I could use a larger group of people. My friends have full lives of work, relationships (marriage), kids, and their own social groups. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy they all have full lives, but it's easy for me to see how empty mine is by comparison. It's not quite jealousy... more loneliness and a bit of isolation.

Not to mention it's hard to do something for a charity when you don't have any one to “pledge” on your behalf (I will tell you all about that when I have all of the details nailed down.).

I definitely need to figure out how to meet people and make new friends.

Until next time, seriously how do I meet new people again?

Autumn

Sometimes you have to start over.

“The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.” -Vance Havner

Halloween-time seems like a fantastic time to resurrect this blog from the dead. It's long over due, and I think I've missed it. So here I am giving it another try.

Welcome back to those who use to read my ramblings. Hello to any of you just finding it. I'm clearly not the same person that I was when I was originally posting here. But, the things I said in this post http://autumns-flame.blogspot.com/2008/11/i-am-me.html  still hold true.

You won't find much pagan talk here anymore. I still consider myself pagan, but I'm really questioning my beliefs at the moment. So, unless I have some sort of magical break through there, I won't be talking about my religion. The other site that I use to write for is dead as well. There will be no more mention of BeShameless. Also, no more blog memes or give-away posts. I've deleted most of those from the archive, and I won't be putting them back.

But, that's enough talk about what was and what isn't. Let's talk about what is and what I hope to be. You see, I'm edging my way toward 30 years old and I'm having a crisis. It's either a late quarter-life or a very early mid-life; either way, I'm having one. I've come to the stunning realization that I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Nor, do I know what I want to do with it. I have several short term goals (which I'm sure I'll talk about soon), but not one long term goal. I can't see a big picture, and it's making me wackadoodle.

I guess, I'm hoping that writing again will help me. I'm not sure how or why; I just feel that it is something I need to do. I have to start climbing those metaphorical stairs from today's quote. In the meantime, I'm hoping I'll be able to entertain you along the way. Maybe you're going through the same thing and we can help each other.

I'll post here once a day (at least) for 30 days. This will be in addition to my NaNoWriMo writing and my vlogs. November is normally a month that kicks my ass... This time I've decided to kick it in the nonexistent face. I will be super productive and that will be my first step on those stairs.

Until next time, let's get this bitch started.
Autumn

Somedays I pretend to be a writer...

"What things there are to write, if one could only write them! My mind is full of gleaming thought; gay moods and mysterious, moth-like meditations hover in my imagination, fanning their painted wings. But always the rarest, those streaked with azure and the deepest crimson, flutter away beyond my reach." -Logan Pearsall Smith

I want to write. I need to write. Obviously, I can write because that seems to be what I'm doing right now. What I mean is I want to write a story or poem; actually, I want to write anything that isn't me rambling on and on. I want to write something brilliant and provoking. Right now my brilliance is having a hard time shining brighter than a night-light.

Life hasn't gotten any better. The shit-storm that is my life just keeps dumping on me. Which is ok... I mean everyone goes through crappy times. It makes us stronger, better, and other bullshit things we tell ourselves to make it more bearable.

But, what really has made life more bearable for me in the past is writing. Ex dumps you? Write heartbreaking stories, exaggerate everything you feel. Pissed at someone? Kill them off in a story and make it bloody. Worried about someone? They can become the hero and their problems are fixed.

This time I'm staring at my word processor till my eyes want to bleed. I have plenty of story material. Morpheus, the nightmares, and the mean reds have given me plenty of fodder. I know what the story should feel like. I know where I want it to go. I just can't grab onto the words and take it there.

Until next time, frustration is the word of the day.
autumn

I wonder if someone could sleep through a whole month...

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.” ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Before I actually get into my original post I just wanted to let everyone know that my mother is no longer in remission. I just found out today so I'm really not sure what's going on yet. But I'll update you as we figure it out. Now on to my actual post.

November hates me. I mean really, really hates me. I'm not sure what I did to piss it off, but the last few years it sneaks up on me and kicks me in the teeth. True story... well minus the kicking me in the teeth part.

This year... The Guy dumped me. It came out of nowhere. To be perfectly honest, I'm not dealing so well. Or at least I'm not dealing as well as I normally do in a breakup situation. I mean it's only been a week and a half, so I'm probably not being fair to myself. But I feel like I've done nothing but work and cry. I'm not sleeping more than 3 hours a night, and I'm lucky if I'm getting that much sleep. I think a lot of the lack of sleeping is because he use to call me every night before we went to sleep and we would talk for at least two hours and take turns reading aloud to each other. Or because we were in the same bed... It's just one of the many habits that I got into and have to figure out how to break wanting that.

After the first couple days when I talked to anyone I started to act pissed off at the guy or just avoid the subject and pretend it never happened. But, I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be pissed off or just over it already. I can't be pissed because he wasn't happy... I could be pissed that he dropped my things off in a box and had the sweater I knitted for him laying on top of all of it. Even that doesn't piss me off. It just hurts.

But I didn't write this entry to cry to complete strangers. I actually wrote this as a thanks to my friends. I really am lucky when it comes to my best friends. Bella, who understood that I needed to cancel our meeting. Then when we rescheduled let me talk the whole what happened out and swiftly moved into a distraction. Shameless, who listened to me make no sense while I was crying; who promised that it would eventually be ok. Ethan gave me space long enough to get my front up so that I could do more than sob into the phone. He reminded me that I was welcome to come visit him and Shameless so I could have a couple days away. Finally there is Crimson. Not diminishing what the others have done for me but she's been a godsend. On the night that I felt totally, completely alone and worthless she reminded me that I matter to people. That they are thankful I'm in their life one way or another. She hasn't pushed with questions nor does she try to change the subject when my brain does wind back around to him. She has left me at least one message a day or stayed up with me on messenger talking until 3am. She is helping keep the loneliness away. Well as much as someone 1500 miles away can.

So yea... It's not rainbows and moonbeams. I am so not awesome. This situation sucks. I miss Matthew so very much. He made me happy and I love him. I don't know what I'll do with out him around. But I'll eventually figure it out. It can't hurt forever... In the meantime, I have awesome friends who care about me. Friends that should know how much they matter to me.

Until next time...
autumn