“Insomnia
is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking,
including thinking about not thinking.” -Clifton Fadiman
Up until recently there have been 2
stages in my life regarding sleep. In my teens, I was a champion
sleeper. If there were a competition I would have been the most
decorated competitor. Sleep for 24 solid hours? Sure sign me up. Who
needed to deal with the outside world? Didn't matter when or where I
fell asleep. I had that shit down. I was a heavy sleeper. My room
could have been in the middle of a tornado and I wouldn't have
stirred. Moreover, it worked for me. The dreams bred some of my best
story ideas. When I wasn't sleeping, I was incredibly productive.
In the 20s, I moved into the not
sleeping for days zone. I just didn't need sleep. 3 day party and at
friends house? I was down for it. I also wasn't the least bit
affected by lack of sleep. Sure, I may have gotten the giggles a lot.
Or, if it was last stretch I was slow with my wit. But overall, I
just was perfectly fine without it. When I did sleep, I became the
lightest sleeper. The wind blowing outside my window would wake me.
Still, where I didn't need the sleep, I was still incredibly
productive. It saved me so many times when I was running late on
knitting gifts.
Now, it's shifted again. I've become a
bastard mix of the two. Which you would think would be a good thing.
Not so much. I've seemed to pick the worst traits of both.
I've become a heavy sleeper again. It's
not really something I enjoy anymore. Sometimes it's nice to hear
your apartment manager knocking on your door when you have an
inspection. Because, you know, old ex-marine walking in your bedroom
to check the smoke alarm while you are … well let's just say I
don't do pjs that much anymore. Just a tank and incredibly short
shorts... I think that is the definition of awkward. Especially when
it's 1pm. We won't even get into the maintenance man (who I made the
mistake of asking out for a drink at one point). Beyond that, I sleep
through text messages and half of my phone calls. Some of which, I
really should respond to immediately.
On the flip side, I've stuck with the
ability to stay awake for days. Except... my body, brain, and
emotions can't handle it anymore. I need the sleep now to function.
Gone are the days of productivity with no sleep. I just can't do it.
I'm so exhausted during my no sleep cycle that I end up staring
blankly. It is a herculean task to write. The knitting, even during a
simple pattern, is impossible. So I spend days and days at a time
doing absolutely nothing.
Currently, I'm edging towards Day 4
with no sleep. I managed to sleep an hour one night and then a half
hour last night. So I'm not completely and totally without sleep this
time. I'm slightly grateful for them. Except it's just made the
tiredness worse. I've tried all the tips and tricks. No caffeine
hours before bed, my bedroom is purely for sleeping, and I've
meditated. I've tried sleeping in complete silence, music, and
soundscapes. Exercising, warm baths, cold baths, offering anything to
any god that will listen. The only thing I haven't tried is warm
milk. You nasty people can keep your tainted milk. I'll deal with the
sleep hysteria if that's my only option.
I actually walked to the pharmacy at
7am to buy sleeping pills this morning. Yes, I was that desperate.
I'm sure that was a lovely picture to the poor woman working the
counter. I know I had wild frizzy hair, dead eyes, and couldn't
manage words above a mumble. Ms. Autumn, the picture of mental
health. That said, it's 2 hours later; I'm hoping with the walk and
the two pills I just downed that I will be able to sleep.
Until next time, AAHHHHH JUST LET ME
SLEEP.
Autumn
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