November 4, 2012

Sometimes you end up surrounded by zombies.

Ah me! Love can not be cured by herbs.” -Ovid

Love... that thing that keeps writers in business; the poet's best friend. It's the musicians muse. For a lot of people, it keeps them hopeful and able to handle whatever life throws at them. But, for me... Love is a zombie virus.

Seriously, it's a freaking zombie virus. One by one those around you become infected. They have one thing on their mind. Love. They either talk about it, or they want you to join them in this huge mess. All you can do is watch it happen. Once they're infected, you can't help them. The more that succumb to the virus the higher your chance of becoming one of them. One way or another, you are screwed.

Can you tell that love scares the crap out of me? To be clear, I'm not an anti-love person. I see those friends in love or moving very close to love, and I'm so happy for them. It makes them happy. In some ways it actually makes them better people. But I'm actually terrified of myself falling in love.

I know some it is a lack of control. Some of it is the fear of rejection, and some of it is the fear of what happens when it ends again. Yes, I do realize all of that is ridiculous. Apparently, love is worth it. And, maybe it won't end the next time around. None of that matters to me though.

When I think about myself in love, I don't think of the mushy crap. I don't even think about the loss of control. All I think about is the bottom falling out, and then; how much I loved Matthew when he sat me down and told me he wasn't happy and there was nothing I could do to make him that way. It blind-sided me. I thought everything was golden. Granted, in the end it was for the best. We are much, much better apart than we ever would have been together. Still... that pain is the first place my mind goes to when I think about love.

I've been thinking about love a lot lately. It's hard to avoid when it's all around you. It's even harder to avoid when you are starting to think about how much you actually like someone. I think it's official. I've been bitten by one of my zombie virus friends. I'm developing symptoms. Now, do I try to find a cure or do I give in and ride it out?

Until next time, yup I'm screwed.